My Mother's Passing

I got to Galveston on 27 July. My mom was very weak but still able to walk and talk.By Wednesday she was to weak to get out of bed so she rested and I kept her company. Saturday she wanted to get up so my sister got her in the wheelchair and got her in the chair in the living room. She spent the day there. My other sister and brother visited and she seemed really happy. After they left she started crying saying that was the last time she would see them. She said she was so happy for my sister Karen because her life is going so well. She talked about Karen and how she still had the same sweet voice. She went back to bed early and was in a lot of pain- the hospice nurse had to come out at 3 in the morning. The next morning I made her coffee and biscuits. She was so weak she could only eat part of a biscuit and a few sips of coffee- she kept falling asleep between bites. Later that day she went into a coma like state. We called my brother and he came back the next day. We were told she could hear us even though she couldn't respond. We all talked to her and told her we loved her. The next week was the longest of my life. All 4 of us were there with her, the hospice nurse and my oldest friend Angela (she stayed all week too). There was no nurse available Monday night so Angela and I stayed up till 3:30 with her giving her meds and keeping her company. Then my brother and sister took over. My other sister was trying to get some rest as she hadn't slept in days. We all held her hand at times and rubbed her forehead hoping to soothe her. I think it was Wednesday or Thursday, she seemed to wake up and be aware. We all talked to her and told her how much we loved her. Her eyes were open and she was responding although unable to talk, but she tried. About an hour later she went back to sleep. There were friends visiting all week and lots of reminiscing and laughter- I hope she could hear it all. There were amazing, kind and gentle nurses all week long, They treated my mom with love and respect. One day Angela did her nails and my sister and niece fixed her hair and put on her earrings. Even though she was 82 and dying she still looked so beautiful. We all told her good bye and that we would all be fine. My cousin Vicki called and talked to her and told her it was ok to go, as did my other niece and nephews and her sister. All week long at different times her body would twitch and tremble. By Friday her lungs were so full of fluid that when she breathed it sounded like she was drowning. 11 August, Saturday morning, there was no nurse to replace the night nurse, Setha, so she stayed, not wanting us to be alone with no nurse. My sister had gone home to shower, my brother too and my other sister was in the room with my mom. I fell asleep in a chair when the nurse woke me and told me to hurry into her room. My mom was taking her last few breathes and my sister and I were holding her hands as she passed. I loved her very much and always wanted to be with her when she died.The nurse held me while I cried. Then I had to call my other sister and tell her mom was gone. She and my brother where there in minutes and there was lots of crying and hugging. The nurse took care of everything and we were so grateful she had stayed. My sister, niece, Angela and the nurse dressed her in some of her pretty clothes and she looked very peaceful.That last week she was surrounded by so much love. Even though it was hard I felt like she had a good death. There was great sadness and also a feeling of relief that her suffering was over. I rode back to Dallas a few days later with my brother. We had some good talks on the way. It felt so good to be home... Everyday I want to pick up the phone and call my mother to tell her something. I'm doing pretty well but as soon as I start thinking or talking about her I cry. She was my mother as well as my best friend. I'm going to miss her forever....

Mom

I just spent 6 weeks with my mother- she has colon cancer, stage 4. It was really nice spending so much time with her. It's so interesting to see how she is taking the end of her days. She is actually very happy and talks a lot about memories of when I was growing up. I decided to come home for a few weeks to have a break and take care of some business. The day before I left I was quite emotional and sad thinking this could be the last time I see her. I love my mother. I remembered 2 interesting things from my childhood. The first day of kindergarten, when she got out of the car I locked the doors and refused to get out. The second day I was kicking and screaming and pulled the nun's habit off- I didn't want to leave my mother. I've been having those same type feelings again. The other thing that came to mind was the day my grandfather died- I was in second grade. All that day at school I knew he would die and I kept thinking I'm not going to cry, I'm going to be strong for my mom. When we got home we found out he had indeed died and I didn't cry. Then my bitch sister said I must not have loved him because I wasn't crying and then I cried. So I was thinking the same thing again- I don't want to cry and upset her when I say goodbye. I didn't. We hugged and said i love you and I left. I was quite calm. Later I thought, wow!Because of the love I have for my mom I was able to go to a place of peace. While I was there we talked about her dying, what she wants me to do with her ashes, the fact that she's had a good life and is ready to move on. There was really no sadness at all, just happy to be hanging out.She is on medication that keeps her from any pain. She sleeps a lot. She is still so beautiful, even at 82. She has been a good mother and when she dies I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life.

Its been a long time!

I have not posted on this blog since 2009- wow. So much has happened since then. In January 2010 I found out I have Chronic Lymphositic Leukemia-CLL. What a fucking drag.... Its not curable but is treatable. When I first found out I was freaked out and felt sorry for myself for about 15 minutes. It is what it is. I started thinking about how much better off I was than the people in Haiti,[this wasn't long after the earthquake]- I have water, food and a roof over my head and told myself "how dare you feel sorry for yourself when you have so much!" When I was in art school I was so broke and was living in a dump- the water in the toilet froze. Thats when this way of thinking really helped me the first time- I was still so much better off than many, many people in the world. To get back to my CLL. I started chemotherapy a month later and by the end of May I was in remission. It will come back at some point and I'll deal with it again. I feel really thankful for the medical staff that helped me through all this!
Summer 2010 I spent 3 weeks in New York with Mindy and Luna. We had such a good time! I got to take Luna to her first day of school and that was really cool.
So things are going along fine till January 2011- what is it about January? I had a blister on my big toe and it got infected. Since I'm well aware this could be dangerous for a diabetic I went straight to the doctor.She gave me antibiotics. It still hadn't gotten much better so I went again and she gave me more antibiotics. Finally I went to the ER and found out it had turned into an abscess-not good. Right away they wanted to amputate my big toe- I refused. They called in a specialist and he said my toe would be ok. He operated the first time to get the infection out, which had spread all they way into my foot. He also had to remove all the tendons in my toe. I found out the first doctor I went to twice had prescribed the wrong antibiotics and with my history should have put me in the hospital right away. I had a second surgery to remove part of the bone which had become infected. My doctor and his staff turned out to be really good- again I am very thankful!
Its still healing and I should be off the crutches in a couple of weeks. There is way more that went on with all this but thats enough for now.
I was in the room with a man who had gone in for a toe amputation and they ended up cutting off half his foot. He is a legal immigrant from Mexico and I had to wonder if he knew he could have said no or asked for a second opinion. After talking with several staff around the hospital I found out that the surgeons I saw first are known for amputating without much thought- now what do I do with this information?
I guess I'm not finished with this yet. I know how important friends are and mine have helped me so much its amazing. I can't drive because i can't use my foot on the clutch. My friends have taken me grocery shopping, picked up meds for me, taken me to doctors appointments, taken me out to eat and on and on. How can that ever be re-payed? It really can't be other than by being a good friend back, which I hope I am.
Another thing I learned is how important it is to stand up for yourself.
It seems like I've been through a lot of shit the last few years but in reality I'm one of the most fortunate people I know!

I posted a thing on Facebook about supporting gay marriage. the following are some of the responses i received:
James Perryman
James Perryman at 8:51pm May 26
Ok Mike how do I say this without sounding redneck or over religious.
Fact of the matter is no "NO" other species on the planet have male and male or female and female relationships. Oh I am forgetting those frogs in africa----- but they change sex naturaly to continue the species. My point is that marrage of a couple has always been reserved for ... Read Morea male and a female as a social accepted means of having sex to create life. If you have found a way to do this in a same sex relationship I am all for it.
Otherwise live together and have a lawyer draw up a binding agreement so the serviving "Mate" or "Companion" can make decisions for the other person in the event of illness or death.
Sorry for my bluntness but you don't seem to be very shy about blurting your sexual prefferance. You will have to accept my opinion as well.

Daryle Conners at 10:03pm May 26
Marriage is a civil union, as far as laws go. No one's religion has any place in the making of our laws. Separation of church and state protects both religious rights and civil rights.

Also, you are dead wrong about there not being homosexual relationships all throughout Nature, but that's really a distraction from the issue at hand.

Marriage of a couple may be reserved for procreation in your mind, but that doesn't mean that others have to share your view. YOU can marry whoever you want for whatever reasons you want. Everyone should have that same right. Do you think that people who adopt rather than having children of their own don't have valid marriages? Do you think that people who don't choose to have children shouldn't be allowed to marry? Or have sex, for that matter? It doesn't take much to see how weak and insubstantial that argument is....

Sorry James, there is no way to say what you're saying without sounding ignorant and intolerant.

Mindy Miller at 10:05pm May 26
How DO you say that without sounding like a red neck? You dont.

Gretchen Bell
Gretchen Bell at 10:28pm May 26
TIRED ARGUMENT. NO SHIT. We hetros expect the privacy and rights to marry who we choose AND we MUST respect everyone's choice and and to whom they choose to commit to and respect that choice. If you pay the same TAXES (property, personal) like Bill and Jane next door you are entitled to the same equality and bennefits as they do. If you contribute to society like Bill and Jane you deserve the SAME. You may not like it, but whats not to like? Equality protects you, it protects me it protects everyone in a perfect world. Not accepting gay equality is denying someone who is as upstanding as you the same rights. Its discrimination. Its WRONG. EVERYONE who contributes to this nation DESERVES THE SAME RIGHTS AS EVERYONE ELSE...

Brian Scott
Brian Scott at 1:44am May 27
Dear James Perryman,
WTFiJP? I actually could have cared less about insisting on gay marriage, however it had been made an issue by politicians who have always benefited by exploiting the most base qualities that a person has against themselves. It had been a ridiculous distraction, one that kept us from discussing the rights of all people to health care, it helped us to invade and and ruin Iraq, it helped us to not review our voting system and have intelligent debate on bringing our system up to democratic standards. It has helped us not concentrate on improving education for every one. It has been a very helpful distraction.
Now that it has become a reality, it is a question of purposely denying rights to a portion of our society. That is a clean cut case of discrimination. And no binding contract will give a surviving partner the same inheritance, visitation, custody, medicare or social security benefits that a surviving spouse would enjoy.

from Delba Jean
http://seedmagazine.com/content/article/the_gay_animal_kingdom/
The Gay Animal Kingdom § SEEDMAGAZINE.COM
Source: seedmagazine.com
The effeminate sheep and other problems with Darwinian sexual selection.
The Gay Animal Kingdom § SEEDMAGAZINE.COM... Read More

Tha Last Few Years

02.13.09

I'm ok- I'm actually recovering from open heart surgery. I got pneumonia, which went into my blood stream and then caused an infection in my heart.. So they opened me up, cleaned up the infection and here I am 2 weeks later wondering what the hell happened. this is actually the 4th time I've almost died- when i got to the ER my blood pressure was 40/24- so I'm really trying to pay attention. I figure there is something for me to do and I am being shown to get on with it! My big 2 year plan that started in January is to get really healthy and in 2 years go to live in Africa. I worked for years with teens in inpatient psych and ran a boarding school as well, in Ma. I guess its just a natural instinct to know what to say and to have an abundance of compassion and love for people. For most of the last 20 years I went to Art school first and have lived mostly as an artist. I've continued to work with people throughout this time and have worked with elderly people as a caregiver, for the last 2 1/2 years. One of my favorites was a retired engineer who was a pilot in WW2 and Korea. He was wonderful and died after I was with him for 11 months. He had a military funeral that was beautiful. The last person I worked with was this amazing 82 yr old woman, Isabel. She is a peace activist and 30 years ago used to organize sit ins in front of businesses that wouldn't allow black people. She also started a non profit called" Homeward Bound", originally started 30 years ago to help addicts coming out of prison. It has evolved into a 150 bed hospital, treating addicts, homeless people with HIV and others and still works with people coming out of jail. She had a broken hip and says she healed so fast because we laughed so much. She is truly amazing and has become a good friend..

In 1998, i lived in Guatemala off and on for a year, traveling and doing volunteer work. God, i love that place! Several years later my housemate Mindy decided to adopt so i put her in touch with friends there affiliated with an orphanage. 7 months later Luna came home to Dallas. She is the most amazing creature!She turns 7 in April and is just a joy. When she was about 2 they moved to NYC for Mindy's job and the cultural opportunities for Luna. I went too for awhile and was Luna's nanny- we had so much fun!I try to go every year and hang out with Luna. Its so great to watch her grow. They go to Guatemala every couple of years to keep her in touch with where she came from- its a really beautiful country.

I've wanted to go to Africa since i was a teenager, and the desire has only grown over the years. when i see the kids who have no parents and are dying or living with HIV I just can't stand it. I really don't know what i will do for them there but I'll figure it out- even if its just holding their hand and taking care of them. I feel so strongly about his that there. I think i was born to go to Africa!

Pathocracy- from a book written in 1985

The rule of and organizational or national entity by non-sane persons or person passing as sane, often undiagnosed and untreated, characterized by:

1. The taking of power initially by non-legal or pseudo legal means;
2. The confusion of verbal criticism, dissent and protest with overt acts of high treason. { Saying it is as bad as doing it.}
3. The rounding- up and detention or liquidation of innocent persons characterized by enemies of the people, or other subjectively determined pejorative labels.
4. A hypocritical, cynical betrayal of the ostensible organizational or national goals on the part of the administration once their power is consolidated.
5.The use of high sounding "good intentions" as a cover for the administration's self indulgent. counter productive policies.
6. Temporary success in concealing the pathological nature of the rulers and their policies from the rulees and from other entities.
7. Impotence on the part of other entities to combat rationally the non rational accusations and behavior of the pathocrats.
8. the use of pejorative words to designate those who do not subscribe to the prevailing sickness, such as: war criminals, class enemies, enemies of the people, useless persons, genetic inferiors, etc.
9. THE CREATION OF ARTIFICIAL CRISIS IN ORDER TO MOBILIZE AND SUBJUGAT THE RULEES.
10. THE SUSPENSION OF CIVILIZED MODES OF CONDUCT IN THE INTEREST OF SOME NON-RATIONAL :HIGHER PURPOSE."
11. THE ESTABLISHMENT OF HIGH SOUNDING GOALS OR OTHER NON- RATIONAL COVER STORIES AS A MEANS OF DECEIVING THE POPULACE BEING RULED.
12. A COVERT PURPOSE OF MAINTAINING THE POWER OF INCUMBENTS TO THE DETRIMENT OF THE PUBLIC WELL BEING.
13. A manifest inadequacy to govern in the entity's behalf.
14. The tolerance of incompetent administrators and the elimination of rational ones.
15.the preference of non-rational delusional thought system to common sense, civility and common decency.
16. The systematic conviction that the non-rational ends justifies the employment of inhumane means.
17. The use of threats, bluffs, bullying and temper tantrums when it is unable to get its way through cajoling and manipulation.
18. the delusion that other entities aredelude, weak and foolish.
19. The delusion that its non-rational goals are superior to to the goals of other entities.
20. The systematic confusion of cooperation with submission.
21. The systematic , conscious use of non-factual information in the service of the high sounding ideal.

HITLER, BUSH OR BOTH.

10 things you should know about Obama's plan (but probably don't)

The plan:

1. Makes a $634 billion down payment on fixing health care that will go a long way toward paying for a more efficient, more affordable health care system that covers every single American.³
   
2. Reduces taxes for 95% of working Americans. And if your family makes less than $250,000, your taxes won't go up one dime.⁴
   
3. Invests more than $100 billion in clean energy technology, creating millions of green jobs that can never be outsourced.⁵
   
4. Brings our troops home from Iraq on a firm timetable, finally bringing the war to a close—and freeing up almost ten billion dollars a month for domestic priorities.⁶
   
5. Reverses growing income inequality. The plan lets the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans expire and focuses on strengthening the middle class.⁷
   
6. Closes multi-billion-dollar tax loopholes for big oil companies. ⁸
   
7. Increases grants to help families pay for college—the largest increase ever.⁹
   
   
8. Halves the deficit by 2013. President Obama inherited a legacy of huge deficits and an economy in shambles, but his plan brings the deficit under control as soon as the economy begins to recover.¹⁰
   
9. Dramatically increases funding for the SEC and the CFTC—the agencies that police Wall Street.¹¹
   
10. Tells it straight. For years, budgets have used accounting tricks to hide the real costs of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Bush tax cuts, and too many other programs. Obama's budget gets rid of the smokescreens and lays out what America's priorities are, what they cost, and how we're going to pay for them.