I was talking to an old friend from Galveston today. She said after the hurricane all she could do was focus on herself and after a while, she thought this isn't good. You can't stay focused on just yourself and I find that is exactly what I've been doing too.
I was so angry today at the doctor and every time I talked about it my anxiety level went up and that is NOT A GOOD THING FOR ME RIGHT NOW. I know I have to continue to deal, but then I'm going to let stuff go and focus on the positive as there are so many positives surrounding all of us.
I always make friends with the hospital staff simple because I treat them with respect and show interest in them. It takes so little effort to show someone you care and makes all the difference in your interactions. Just asking someone how their day is going is often a huge change from what people often hear.
The other thing is that I thought I never wanted to be one of those old people who talked about their various illnesses and here I am, only 53 and already doing it. I feel like the more I talk about it the more power I give it and so from now on I'm going to focus more on the "what I'm doing to get healthy."--goddamnit!!!! I love that word because it is so shocking to so many people and it really means nothing at all.
It truly is amazing to me the people I have run into in my quest for health. They are all such good people and the majority of them really just want to help you. There is, of course, the occasional asshole or control freak, and I think to myself- if thats the way you need to act to feel good about yourself then go for it because it has nothing to do with me and does not effect me unless I choose to let it. This is sometime easier said than done, but, as with most things, practice will make it easier.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
LIFE/DEATH
Its midnight and I can't sleep. my heart is beating so fast that its keeping me awake- either that or the fear of dying, or both. My new Doc told me today I still have this Atrial Flutter which is causing my heart rate to be 135 beats a minute as opposed to 72 beats a minute. Its scary because I can feel it- the flutter and the rapid heart beat. He is going to try and treat it with meds and if that doesn't work I'll have to go back into the hospital for another procedure. This one doesn't sound nearly as bad, but they'll still have to go up into my heart- again. FUCK! It just freaks me out. I have wonderful, supportive friends but when it comes right down to it you're alone- someone said we all die alone and I suppose thats true. I feel like I'm fighting the most important battle of my life and it is really hard as hell- but I'm determined to win because there are things I still want to do, need to do. This Doctor told me he feels that alot of this is genetic and of course from smoking. Thank god I finally quit smoking and that I never had kids so I haven't passed this on!
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Sunday, February 22, 2009
Again With the Dallas Morning News
I've got to not read this paper- it just infuriates me half the time. I was at a diner having dinner and decided to read the copy someone left in the booth.
This article was by some woman going on and on about how terrible Facebook is and about having embarrassing photos of yourself posted, etc. The more I read it, it became clear to me that this person is a bit on the paranoid side and she is ashamed of whatever it is she does.
I actually brought this part of the paper home so I could write a letter to the editor and then left it in my jeans pocket and washed it and, oh well, I'm sure as hell not going out to get another paper, hence this rant!
I enjoy the hell out of Facebook. I've been in touch with people I've not seen in 35 years and love getting to know them again and how they're doing. In this crazy world it is a joy to see what your friends are up to because there often just isn't enough time for a call or text. Next,if you don't know it by now you need to learn it- NEVER do anything you don't want people to know about because someone always finds out. Rather, be comfortable in your own skin and if a friend posts a photo of you drunk or whatever, big deal- its not the end of the world, no children have been hurt and by god, you're human and thats ok.
So to this writer I would say, " Get some professional help and learn to be ok with yourself, unless of course you're a serial killer and that's so not cool!"
This article was by some woman going on and on about how terrible Facebook is and about having embarrassing photos of yourself posted, etc. The more I read it, it became clear to me that this person is a bit on the paranoid side and she is ashamed of whatever it is she does.
I actually brought this part of the paper home so I could write a letter to the editor and then left it in my jeans pocket and washed it and, oh well, I'm sure as hell not going out to get another paper, hence this rant!
I enjoy the hell out of Facebook. I've been in touch with people I've not seen in 35 years and love getting to know them again and how they're doing. In this crazy world it is a joy to see what your friends are up to because there often just isn't enough time for a call or text. Next,if you don't know it by now you need to learn it- NEVER do anything you don't want people to know about because someone always finds out. Rather, be comfortable in your own skin and if a friend posts a photo of you drunk or whatever, big deal- its not the end of the world, no children have been hurt and by god, you're human and thats ok.
So to this writer I would say, " Get some professional help and learn to be ok with yourself, unless of course you're a serial killer and that's so not cool!"
Bush's in Dallas
I read in the Dallas Morning News yesterday that people here are welcoming the Bush's home and I felt somewhat nauseous.
I, for one, am embarrassed and disheartened that people are welcoming a war criminal to their city- one responsible for tens of thousands of innocent deaths. It disgusts me. I pray I never run into him and I doubt I would. I guess there are still those 27% who believe the man did a good job and didn't run this country into the ground, even as they are losing their jobs, their money and their children in a totally useless war. Good luck Mr. Bush, trying to raise money for your library- maybe the oil companies will finance it, maybe not!
I, for one, am embarrassed and disheartened that people are welcoming a war criminal to their city- one responsible for tens of thousands of innocent deaths. It disgusts me. I pray I never run into him and I doubt I would. I guess there are still those 27% who believe the man did a good job and didn't run this country into the ground, even as they are losing their jobs, their money and their children in a totally useless war. Good luck Mr. Bush, trying to raise money for your library- maybe the oil companies will finance it, maybe not!
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